Category Archives: Toys

Recovering from Luke Skywalker

I bought some Axe Recovery body wash for my husband and when I smelled it I was immediately taken back to my childhood days of shampooing with Luke Skywalker.  They smell almost exactly the same!

axe_luke

I always thought it was rather sick to rip off Luke’s head and empty his frothy guts into my hand to clean my hair.  I had Chewbacca bubble bath too!

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Does “Everyone” Have a Barbie Story?

Okay, so we’ve been beaten over our heads by multiple news outlets telling us that Barbie is now 50 years old.  This is my contribution to the barage of Barbie posts.

NPR says that EVERYONE has a secret Barbie story/experience…yes, even guys.  I doubt this is true, but I’m curious to know if anyone out there has a funny experience they’re willing to share?

I know I had a ton of Barbies–they lived in a plastic bag and most of the time they were naked.  Occasionally I liked to dress them up, style their hair, make them go swimming in puddles or the bathtub, and jump off the balcony while tied to a string so I could imagine them doing some elaborate aerobatic routines.  I also liked to hold them out of the car window while my mom was driving and pretend they were trying to escape a tornado…or maybe I just liked seeing their hair blow in the wind…it could be either one.  Yes, my Barbies were adventurous just like I wanted them to be.  They were also dirty little sluts always trying to get into Ken’s pants.  Ken eventually had too much sex and his head fell off.  Why is Ken’s head so hard to get back on?  Maybe things are different now, but back when I had Ken if his head fell off it never really looked right afterward–the neck bulged in weird, unnatural ways.  I was so fed up with Ken’s head falling off from too much rough sex that I used duck tape to keep it on–this worked well and was surprisingly fashionable. 

As I got older and began to stop caring about the condition my Barbies were in, I started to throw them into the ceiling fan while it ran on high speed, then I would shield myself from flying Barbie parts.  Holy crap that was fun!  You never knew where the parts would fly or how fast they would be traveling–this was an awesome group activity, and I so want to go throw a Barbie into a ceiling fan right now…but I don’t have any and I’m aware that ceiling fans cost money to replace if a Barbie happens to break it with her face.

I was amused to hear that a real life Malibu Dream House had been recently built to honor Barbie in Malibu, Calif.  I was particularly interested in talk of a chandelier made from blonde hair, so I had to go find of picture of this because I was imagining messy hairballs dangling from the ceiling–it looks nothing like I pictured.

hair-chandelier

This is disturbing in so many ways–I look at this and think “weird serial killer hair collection,” and “creepy medieval claw thing.”

I’ve exposed my perverse Barbie secrets to the world, and as they say; I’ve told you mine, now tell me yours.

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