Monthly Archives: March 2009

Happy Birthday Bum

We took my mom out to dinner for her birthday, and when we were all done we came out of the restaurant to this lovely surprise:

bumhongkong

Yes, folks–this is a bum deficating in public.  My sister was able to take this pic with her cell camera.  She thought it was safe to get close after the restaurant owner came out and poked the guy and he didn’t do anything.  I feel most sorry for the guy who was inside the building since he had to stare at bum butt pressed up against his window!

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Dress Me Up Dragon

K:  If I bought you a set of dragon magnets that came with different outfits, would you change its clothes?

S:  No, you’re stupid.

Even though my husband likes dragons, he won’t change the magnet’s clothes!

dress_up_dragon

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Transition Time

Occasionally, I will watch Super Nanny and it always reminds me of the many reasons I don’t ever want to have children.  I find myself glued to the abhorent behavior of the little demons, and my heart goes out to their parents…but not too much because the parents almost always have some fault that contributed to the rise of the evil.  No one is a perfect parent–everyone can just hope to do their best. 

Anyway, that was a digression from what I really wanted to talk about.  I picked up on a method of calming while watching Super Nanny last week called Transition Time.  It’s when you come home from work and just chill for 10-15 minutes without going off and doing something right away.  In this instance the dad was a cop and his job was pretty stressful.  That translated into tense, stressful behavior at home and he treated his kids and wife as if everything was a downtown interrogation. 

Today I came home and tried out Transition Time.  I walked through the door, threw my stuff on the table and plopped on the couch.  I stared out the window and made my mind go blank.  It only stayed blank for a minute or so, and then I started thinking of things that didn’t have to do with work like my dog having Davis Street Dumps breath, the toilet I heard about on the radio that can flush “anything,”  and that friggin’ car that wouldn’t stop honking outside! 

I liked Transition Time.  It felt good to release my tension, and now I feel like a nap!  Better not though, because then I’ll have problems getting back to sleep and my whole day will be off balance tomorrow.  I’m going to go catch up on Dancing with the Stars until the husband comes home (he makes me watch that crap “on my own time” aka when he’s not around).  I like to watch reality TV because people interest me…and by the way, I only catch Super Nanny because it comes on after Wife Swap, which I love!  And for the record, my all-time favorite reality TV show is the Amazing Race.

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Filed under Blogging, Television

Shroud-Eaters From Italy

Medieval texts show the belief in vampires was fueled by the disturbing appearance of decomposing bodies, Borrini told The Associated Press by telephone.

During epidemics, mass graves were often reopened to bury fresh corpses and diggers would chance upon older bodies that were bloated, with blood seeping out of their mouth and with an inexplicable hole in the shroud used to cover their face.

“These characteristics are all tied to the decomposition of bodies,” Borrini said. “But they saw a fat, dead person, full of blood and with a hole in the shroud, so they would say: ‘This guy is alive, he’s drinking blood and eating his shroud.'”

Modern forensic science shows the bloating is caused by a buildup of gases, while fluid seeping from the mouth is pushed up by decomposing organs, Borrini said. The shroud would have been consumed by bacteria found in the mouth area, he said.

At the time however, what passed for scientific texts taught that “shroud-eaters” were vampires who fed on the cloth and cast a spell that would spread the plague in order to increase their ranks.
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Matteo Borrini / AP  This photo shows the 16th-century remains of a woman with a brick stuck between her jaws unearthed in an archaeological dig near Venice, northern Italy.

Matteo Borrini / AP This photo shows the 16th-century remains of a woman with a brick stuck between her jaws unearthed in an archaeological dig near Venice, northern Italy.

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Filed under History, Monsters

Does “Everyone” Have a Barbie Story?

Okay, so we’ve been beaten over our heads by multiple news outlets telling us that Barbie is now 50 years old.  This is my contribution to the barage of Barbie posts.

NPR says that EVERYONE has a secret Barbie story/experience…yes, even guys.  I doubt this is true, but I’m curious to know if anyone out there has a funny experience they’re willing to share?

I know I had a ton of Barbies–they lived in a plastic bag and most of the time they were naked.  Occasionally I liked to dress them up, style their hair, make them go swimming in puddles or the bathtub, and jump off the balcony while tied to a string so I could imagine them doing some elaborate aerobatic routines.  I also liked to hold them out of the car window while my mom was driving and pretend they were trying to escape a tornado…or maybe I just liked seeing their hair blow in the wind…it could be either one.  Yes, my Barbies were adventurous just like I wanted them to be.  They were also dirty little sluts always trying to get into Ken’s pants.  Ken eventually had too much sex and his head fell off.  Why is Ken’s head so hard to get back on?  Maybe things are different now, but back when I had Ken if his head fell off it never really looked right afterward–the neck bulged in weird, unnatural ways.  I was so fed up with Ken’s head falling off from too much rough sex that I used duck tape to keep it on–this worked well and was surprisingly fashionable. 

As I got older and began to stop caring about the condition my Barbies were in, I started to throw them into the ceiling fan while it ran on high speed, then I would shield myself from flying Barbie parts.  Holy crap that was fun!  You never knew where the parts would fly or how fast they would be traveling–this was an awesome group activity, and I so want to go throw a Barbie into a ceiling fan right now…but I don’t have any and I’m aware that ceiling fans cost money to replace if a Barbie happens to break it with her face.

I was amused to hear that a real life Malibu Dream House had been recently built to honor Barbie in Malibu, Calif.  I was particularly interested in talk of a chandelier made from blonde hair, so I had to go find of picture of this because I was imagining messy hairballs dangling from the ceiling–it looks nothing like I pictured.

hair-chandelier

This is disturbing in so many ways–I look at this and think “weird serial killer hair collection,” and “creepy medieval claw thing.”

I’ve exposed my perverse Barbie secrets to the world, and as they say; I’ve told you mine, now tell me yours.

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Filed under Blogging, Toys

I Like a Good Stuffed Pepper

Imagine coming home from the store and cutting into your bell pepper only to find it stuffed with a few bags of cocaine!  My husband likes to bite directly into bell peppers, and I’m sure that a mouthful of cocaine isn’t easily swallowed.

 

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Dear Chicken: My Ode to an Egg

Did you know that some grade-school children write letters to chickens? 

As I was cooking my egg this morning I heard this on the Rachael Ray show…funny that I happened to be cooking an egg at the time, but it gave me an idea.  The segment was called  Teaching Kids to Grow, and it was about a young teacher who realized that many kids think produce originates from a grocery store.  I think programs like this are cool, and it mixes things up in the classroom, while also enriching the lives of students. 

Anyhow, I was inspired to write a small bit about my breakfast.  I call it Ode to an Egg:

Egg, you are so wonderful,
I eat you almost every day.
Yummy protein in my tummy,
Oozing yolk I used to hate,
What would I do without you?
Would you tell your mom,
She can come live in my backyard.
I won’t tell the city of San Leandro.

Apparently, it’s a big deal if you keep chickens in your backyard and you’re within San Leandro city limits.  I think this is common in most citys–it’s been in the paper a lot recently.  I think that due to the economic situation, some cities are rethinking this policy…something about sustainable living.  Roosters, however, have to stay out of the city because they talk too much in the early morning hours.

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